No. 336 - Holy Shit! When Martens Attack!

Weasels have never been lucky enough to earn a favorable reputation with human beings, but the marten has worked its way up to Public Enemy No. 1, passing up John Dillinger and the crazy dancing old guy from the Six Flags commercials.

A relative of the weasel, mink and wolverine, the marten is apparently a lot more ferocious than its cousins, according to those who have declared war on this feral beast, some by manufacturing "marten-repelling" devices for automobiles. They're a solitary animal, which explains their need for rebelliousness and their recent placement on the Terrible List.

Exhibit A is former aspiring "First Dude" Todd Palin, who lines his cozy Alaskan home with marten pelts, partly for the high yield the furs bring about, and partly due to his desire to surround himself with the sweet smell of death. Many a rugged Alaskan has braved subzero temperatures and risked their mortality hunting down this cunning creature.

The marten has been imposing its malevolent will on homes and cars, friends and foes, and people have had enough. Many overseas drivers are installing electronic devices into their vehicles in an attempt to keep martens (and other bothersome pests, like wild boars (!)) away from their finely engineered sports cars.

We have it on good authority that martens, indeed, cause a nuisance, often by way of borrowing the vehicle without permission and leaving the car in neutral without engaging the emergency brake.

They also eat an abundance of crumb-causing snacks, never to even clean up after themselves.

If a marten does visit your car, it is sure to return, states an animal repellent manufacturer. And the vile creature will leave its marks, likely by hanging a pair of personalized dice in the rearview mirror.

The anti-marten repellent emits ultrasonic sounds that frighten the animal by means of "small high-voltage plates charged electrically to approx. 200 to 300 volts." The creatures find these sonic waves "unbearable," in much the same way that a Celine Dion CD makes our ears bleed profusely.

We're pretty sure martens are not fans of those effeminate smart cars, either, so when parking these vehicles, it might be a good idea to just carry them inside with you.

But it's clear that no beast is exempt from our vehicles' protection systems, whether it's boar, marten or leprechaun.

Note to martens: welcome to our present-day taser-style enforcement. Oh, and stay the fuck away from our cars.