No. 97 - Life's an Itch

Nature has waged a jihad against our skin and sense of harmony with the outdoors. This proverbial flaming bag of poo delivered to your doorstep from Mother Nature herself is an evil that lurks on the fringe, hiding along your fences and property lines. It's called poison ivy, also known as the devil's toilet paper, or poison oak's asshole cousin.

One minute you're playing catch with the kids in the backyard, and the next moment your extremities are burning like a homesick sailor on shore leave with a bad case of chlamydia.

We know there are some mutants out there who boast an immunity from the poison ivy leaf, but this is more than counterbalanced by those poor souls who are afflicted by something as minuscule as poison ivy particles floating in the air.

Poison ivy is characterized by three leaves, with the middle leaf being the longest; fitting, as the dastardly plant appears to be hoisting a big ol' middle finger to the human race.

We're told poison ivy is tolerant to shade, but its intolerance of human skin borders on nothing short of a hate crime. The operative ingredient in this green, leafy dirty bomb is a chemical called urushiol, whose name sounds a little too uncomfortably similar to a Russian Bond villain.

Urushiol adheres to the skin and can lead to blisters and lesions (!). These oozing blisters, though not exactly attractive, are not contagious. Rather, it's the plant's oils that spread across your skin in blistery wildfire-like glory.

And if you think the skin infection is uncomfortable, try burning this stuff. The smoke from smoldering poison ivy can damage the lining of the lungs, leading to respiratory infections, so please keep this out of your bong (unless it's absolutely necessary or you're unable to score elsewhere).

For those planning on ingesting poison ivy to absorb the plant's sinister soul like an ancient South American warrior, please note that this can lead to damaged digestive tracts, airways and kidneys, a veritable cocktail of pain, shaken not stirred.

The pernicious plant also protects butterflies, as many of them can fly onto a poison ivy leaf as a home base, avoiding a fate as a colorful lunch for birds and cats. Why butterflies? When did they strike this special deal with poison ivy, and why wasn't anyone else notified? Butterflies are in on this weedy conspiracy.

Perhaps the most disturbing aspect of poison ivy illustrates the ultimate finger jab into the seeping wound of humanity: immortality. That's right, even when we pull this wretched being out of the ground, effectively killing the plant, the operative oils can live on for years afterward, even carrying its life out on other materials like tools and clothes.

So, basically, poison ivy is a total dick.