No. 178 - Move Your Ass!

When flying the "friendly" skies, it's very easy to understand the motives behind "air rage." Especially when discussing the slow moving flyers we often encounter.

These slow movers aren't a deliberately nefarious species, but through sheer ignorance or arrogance they manage to slow down the flow of every aspect of a flight -- they're like the aerial equivalent of those who drive too slowly in the passing lane.

If we were cavepeople, they would be the first ones left behind as treats for the saber tooth tigers.

It starts at the security screening, when the SMF in question stands there dazed, as if on a permanent thorazine drip, and the line bottlenecks behind him or her, their sluggishness eventually earning them a date with a wand and a body search -- these activities performed with cold, uncaring hands. Then, in the concourse of the airport, the slow mover lingers near the line to give the appearance that they're in line, yet their seat number hasn't been called yet, so they're yet another obstacle to getting quickly and effortlessly to your seat.

When they do enter the plane, the SMF is the one who has a suitcase that's much too big for overhead storage, so as the feeble old man or woman tries hoisting the bag over head, it looks like a baby trying to pick up an elephant. Meanwhile, the line has stopped and is backed up through the tunnel and almost back into the airport. It's the sweatiest traffic jam you'll ever be a part of.

And as the passengers get off of the plane, this slow mover is, without fail, trying half-heartedly to get his or her bag back onto the floor, as the rest of us pack into a line with very little personal space, cramped and grouchy, breathing the rancid sickness emanating from the gaping mouths of the other passengers, and this is mixed with the playground for germs that is the inside of a passenger plane. Ahhh. Smell that? It's like breathing into an old sneaker that your dog's peed on. And we wait. And we keep waiting.

These SMFs are burdensome whichever way you look at it: if they're in the back, they're holding up the boarding process; if they sit up front, they delay the deplaning process. Maybe these slow movers should be stored below with the luggage, or strapped to the wall to be used as a flotation device in case of emergency.

One thing's for certain: if a catastrophic event does go down, these meandering dunces are sure to be the first ones trampled, their bones crunched like a bag of stale airline pretzels.