No. 581 - Hole Phoo'ds

We can't sit anywhere nowadays and enjoy our genetically modified snack food, laced with all manner of tasty chemicals, without being bombarded by organic food enthusiasts, bringing our preservative-laden party to a screeching halt. They're the worm in our apple and a total buzz-kill to our Twinkie feast.

Maybe they're not aware of how loosely the term "organic" really applies to some of the food that they purchase. Being organically grown is seemingly in the best interest of our foods and our bodies, but is it really worth the extra costs associated with it, which some estimate is up to 50 percent more than standard non-organic fare?

Organic benefits: Ideally, organic crops are grown without synthetic pesticides, artificial fertilizers and bacteria-killing radiation, and animals on organic farms are not injected with growth hormones and they're not contained throughout their entire waking day. Who could argue with this criteria?

Unfortunately, when the Department of Agriculture was charged with defining "organic" and what could be labeled as organic, these distinctions became as clear as a fertilizer smoothie. The government decided to allow genetically engineered organisms, radiation and even organic compost that contains chemicals with municipal sludge and toxic waste.

And the rub? The same rules enable organic food producers to only print the label "organic" on their goods without any other details about how that food is produced. So, yes, yet another notion of goodness subverted by our trusted leaders.

Eating right should be on the top of everyone's list, but what is right may not always agree with what we're told is right. When grown properly, organic food serves innumerable health benefits, but it also takes a larger toll on the planet.

It's estimated that switching to locally sourced food would produce many more local "food miles" due to more frequent delivery of smaller amounts of food. In essence, this could lead to a dramatic increase in the emissions of greenhouse gases. This does not follow the "green" example which so many organic enthusiasts tout.

Additionally, if everyone on this planet ate food that was truly organically grown, the amount of available fertile soil would quickly dwindle. It's an uncomfortable fact that genetic engineering and industrial farming help produce food on the scale that the masses require, all by using much less collective farmland, which is unfortunately offset by growth hormones, pesticides and other chemicals that seep into the earth, leading to fish in nearby streams with ripped biceps.

Beyond the food, the manner in which organic edibles are distributed throughout most of the country serves only those who can afford to pay more to eat better. Lower income consumers have a less diverse array to choose from, to put it mildly, and it usually involves enormous amounts of sodium and high fructose corn syrup, which some studies reveal now can contain high levels of mercury.

We don't know about you, but it makes us hungry for a peanut butter, jelly and mercury sandwich just thinking about it.

Surmounting the annoyance of health food nuts are the co-operatives of which many are a part; instead of shareholders, they consider themselves more on the lines of a semi-corporate crusty hippie drum circle, all part of this mystical overpriced, hypermarketed communal experience.

One of the chief reasons for "going organic" is the concern over carcinogens found in pesticides. Many tests that have been conducted on known pesticides are the result of extremely high doses being given to animals. Leading scientists from a national soil association admit we typically do not consumer anywhere near the level of toxins that are used in a research environment.

But what we need to bear in mind is that even those things we pull from God's green earth contain their own natural pesticides, and their own carcinogens to offer an icing on the cake of pestilent death.

Some of the most ass-kicking of pesticides are creations of nature, and she doesn't seem to be too keen on pests, from what we're told. According to a report in a leading English newspaper, "Everyday foods are full of natural pesticides. That’s hardly a surprise, since we tend to choose as crops things that seem resistant to pests and disease. The world-famous biochemist Bruce Ames makes the point clear: ‘The natural chemicals that are known rodent carcinogens in a single cup of coffee are about equal in weight to a year’s worth of ingested synthetic pesticide residues that are rodent carcinogens.’"

Now, the article goes on to disclose that this level of natural rodent carcinogens is not exactly harmful to consume either, so please do not be alarmed over your rat-tail soy lattes.

There is no crime in trying to do the healthy thing, but to wear your self-righteousness like a badge of courage is an uncouth practice. We know you're a vegan, but please don't throw this in our faces as if you were awarded the Purple Heart. And nutrition shouldn't be treated as a fashion trend or status symbol.

We want not only a more even distribution of wealth, but a more even distribution of health. A proper chemical-free diet should not just be a dream of the well-off.