No. 120 - Terror From Above

Sure, birds are cute and seemingly harmless, but did you know they're also winged merchants of death?

Don't be fooled by the melodic song of these twitchy little monstrosities. What you're really hearing is a clarion call signaling the end of civilization as we know it.

Is any creature really meant to fly? Probably not. Birds are, at the least, an aberration. How do they stay afloat over the clouds? How can anything poop and fly at the same time?

Can we really trust something that doesn't even have eyelids? We sure wouldn't want to be engaged in a staring contest with them.

We remember our mothers telling us not to touch birds when we were children. "That thing will give you lice," they would tell us. We didn't know whether that was really true, but the lice ended up being transmitted instead in the batting helmets during Little League. Maybe some birds got to those helmets and did God-only-knows what with the bats and balls.

We can handle the lice, or the white droppings on the hoods of our newly waxed IROC-Z Camaros, for that matter. What's truly unforgivable can be summed up in two words: bird flu. Let's set up a bird feeder and invite disease into our homes and our families. Great idea! Why not set up a rat feeder and reintroduce the bubonic plague while we're at it?

Or how about these two words? Airline crashes. That's right, these avaricious aviators have been responsible for many airplane crashes, destroying our plane engines like the little Kamakazi pilots they are, declaring jihad on sensible and efficient travel.

Also, who's looking out for all the helpless worms that get pulled from the comfort of their dirt condos? Where are the animal rights people to avert the senseless slaughter of our slimy, eyeless friends in the ground?

Bottom line: birds are predators. And we must stop them from preying on our fears. There's a reason we compare birds to their dinosaur forebears. Birds are simply circling the sky and waiting for the next earthly disaster. Then they'll laugh at the mayhem from above, cuckling in a pleasantly singsong manner.